Loads to Sea and Doo

“Someone once said it’s the most fun you can have with your clothes on” Mark remarks as we sit on the bank, discussing the many and varied attributes of the BRP Sea-Doo. I keep quiet and nod along politely as I still want a go of that cool-looking silver one. However, the little voices in my head begin to discuss the validity of this claim, coming to the conclusion that there were at least three equally, if not more fun things that can be partaken in full attire: snowboarding, sky-diving and… actually, I believe the Sea-Doo has just snuck it’s way into the top three.

The Sea-Doo RXP-X 255 watercraft (or ‘really fast jet-ski’ to you and me) is certainly nippy. Capable of a top speed of 70mph, it can beat a Ferrari F450 to 50mph (just to clarify, that’s with the two vehicles driving on their respective surfaces. A Sea-Doo would definitely lose to a Ferrari – or a Ford Orion for that matter – on tarmac, largely due to its lack of wheels.) This is not the sort of machine that you would hire on a family holiday to lope around with the kids on the back. This thing means business; a point exemplified by the presence of James Bushell, 3 x World Champion jet racer and team rider for Sea-Doo. Matt gives a demonstration of the vehicle’s extensive capabilities, thrashing it from side to side and seemingly breaking the sound barrier, before handing over to the irritable ‘Health and Safety’ guy to individually talk us through the controls. “Now, press the throttle gently”, he instructs, sitting behind me on the craft. As is often the case, the Risk Assessment part of my brain is spectacularly overpowered by the part that wants to go really, really fast, and I am immediately scolded for pressing too hard on the throttle, narrowly avoiding a date with the trees.

Initially I am pretty terrible at controlling this watery beast. The steering is counter-intuitive, requiring acceleration into the turn. Slowing down whilst tentatively turning the handlebars is about as effective as politely suggesting to a Great White Shark that maybe he shouldn’t try and eat the baby seal that’s flapping away naively mere meters away on the water’s surface. Or trying to convince Kim Jong-Il to make love, not war. However, I soon realize the Sea-Doo’s unlimited turning capabilities, aided by BRP’s revolutionary stepped hull design that reduces drag and keeps the craft glued to the water. One moment the RXT iS (the first craft I had the pleasure of testing) is twisting and turning with more poise and balance than a ballerina, the next, it transforms into Usain Bolt, as it cuts through the air with an effortless eruption of power.

BRP are showcasing two main types of vehicles: ‘luxury performance’ and ‘performance’. The crème de la crème of the latter is the RXP-X 255 RS. It’s engine boasts 255 hp, reaching 0-50mph in 2.9 seconds. The X added to the already unnecessarily long name represents some performance-enhancing additions or Xtras as I like to call them. Ooh, I feel so dirty with my X-Handlebar, X-Finger Throttle and X-Traction Carpets and Seat. My carpets are so obscene they should be censored! Lazy marketing ploys aside, this thing really is Xtremely fast (ok I’ll stop that now.) What impresses me perhaps above all is the unexpectedly discreet engine. Gone are the obnoxiously loud, anti-social oil-spitting hooligans of the water – a reputation I have always seen as synonymous with jet-skis. These days, engines are so much more refined to the point where a Sea-Doo would struggle to disgruntle a retired couple.

As for the luxury range, I am not so enthralled. The GTX Limited iS 255, which, from the front reminds me of Kryten, the humanoid/robot from Red Dwarf, is, according to BRP, “simply the best there is”. For the luxurious and refined GTX, BRP have decided that using X as a prefix to the craft’s special features is too lewd for such a sophisticated vehicle, opting instead for the most impressive and intelligent letter in the alphabet - i. With it’s intelligent suspension system and throttle control, the GTX is incredible intuitive, almost predicting your actions before you make them. While there is a certain raw, untamed feel to the RXT, the GTX is unmatchable in comfort and control, cushioning each and every inconsistency in the water’s surface and providing an incredibly smooth ride.

The trouble is, I don’t need – no – I don’t want my jet ski to be a genius. I don’t want it to have the intelligence of a PhD student and I don’t want it to mollycoddle me like an over-bearing Mother. I want to thrash it around aggressively, maybe even giving it the occasional spank and asking it who it’s daddy is, and if I cross the line then it punishes me for my bad behavior, i.e. catapults me from the vehicle. On the GTX I never once felt like this was going to happen. The suspension is just so good that it constantly makes allowances for overly aggressive, shoddy driving (which sums up my style), but where’s the fun in that?

Never mind ‘most fun you can have with your clothes’, the RXP makes me want to ride it naked, accompanied by two bikini-clad playboy bunnies. The GTX however, makes me feel underdressed in anything less than a dinner suit.