Ultimate Boot Camp

I was intrigued when my lovely editor suggested I take part in a Boot Camp. “A Boot Camp?” I said. “I rarely wear boots, but I do enjoy camping.” The name conjures images of bunks, boot-polish and berating. Of a large alpha-male screaming unrealistic demands for one more push-up. His pectorals ripping through his tight t-shirt as he soaks you in spittle. His eyes bulging and his teeth grinding, as a giant vein throbs from the side of his tree-trunk neck. I think of the various TV shows in which celebrities sacrifice their dignity, in an attempt to lose a few pounds and win the viewing public’s affection. Poor Rik Waller standing on the scales for the first time in ten years, and acting surprised that his body mass index is comparable to that of a walrus.

The military way of life is something Joe Public rarely gets to experience. The peak physical condition a soldier must maintain is admirable, and there is something to be said for their strict, disciplined way of life. However, I have never seriously considered signing up, as I don’t really fancy killing anyone. I wondered how I would handle someone barking instructions at me. Many people resent being told what to do by an authoritative figure, and I am no exception. The concept of total subservience in any situation is unnerving, as it goes against our fundamental principles of individuality and freedom. Who ever would be putting us through our paces for the weekend was going to have to be more than the simple-minded Sergant Slaughter of my visions.

As it turned out, he looked uncannily similar. Buzz-cut hair, black muscle-hugging t-shirt, khaki cargo pants and shoes you could style your hair in, he looked like an over-sized Action Man. Even his name had a regimented ring to it - John Stratford. Everything about John screamed ‘military’ yet within a few hours in his presence, one noticed signs of a subtler personality than his soldierly demeanor suggested. His stern, even voice carried warm undertones. His eyes seemed to constantly be on the lookout for signs of fatigue or disillusionment from his trainees. Whenever this was apparent, John applied his uncanny ability to identify each individual’s strengths and weaknesses to good effect.

When I mentioned I was planning on hiking in Norway, the PTI told me of the Royal Marine training undertaken in the Arctic Circle. As part of the course, the trainees, after cross-country skiing all day, would have to cut a hole in the ice and jump fully clothed, into the sub-zero abyss. From that point on, the pain induced by the relentless exercise, seemed less significant. Whether it was a beach circuit, tug-of-war, a Marine endurance course or simply an insane number of push-ups, everything carried with it an intensity few of us had experienced before. But however excruciating the burn was, I knew that the Marines had been through infinitely worse, not just in battle, but also in preparation for such situations.

I developed a stoic resolve that allowed me to push myself past the pain barrier. Upon looking around at my comrades, I could see the exact same determined appearance etched across their faces. It was as if we all wanted to prove that we had what it takes to be a Royal Marine. We secretly wanted John to take us to one side and say “listen son, I think you’d be an asset to Team Marine – your country needs you.” I would of course graciously decline, sighting commitments and various career aspirations, but thanking him for the offer. At this point John would try to talk me around, before reluctantly accepting my decision and making clear that the door would always be open for someone as strong and resilient as myself.

My fellow civilians and I got a taste of the military experience for a weekend, albeit diluted by the luxury Devonshire accommodation, 5 star cuisine, and the distinct lack of any firearms, tanks or grenades. For the same price as a Caribbean Cruise or a luxury Spa Break in Sardinia, one can have a much more relaxing experience for the money. However, if it’s action, adventure and extreme muscle fatigue you’re looking for, then look no further. I’m off to have an ice bath before settling down to laugh at re-runs of celebrity fit club, and watch The Waller attempt in vain to run the length of a football pitch. Entertainment at it’s finest.